At a meeting I attended recently, I was once again reminded how difficult it can be to be a good parent in public. And by "good parent" I mean a good disciplinarian. It's hard enough to do the right thing and discipline your child at home, especially if it means stopping what you're doing to deal with the problem. But when you're in public, there are a whole other set of obstacles.
Like worrying about disturbing other people if your child starts to tantrum when you tell them no, or worrying that people will think that you have no control. Or even worrying that you might appear too strict.
The issue I encountered at the meeting, had a little bit to do with that last one, appearing too strict. No I wasn't worried about appearing too strict, at first. Then one of the ladies at the meeting stepped in.
You see, Maria was wandering around the room. I had given her boundaries. "You may stay in this row, but you can't go into the row in front of us. Don't squeeze between chairs. If you want to sit down, sit down in this row." Now, the women in front of us probably heard me tell her this. But I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume that she didn't know that I had already forbid Maria from wandering out of our row.
But I know that she did hear me tell Maria not to squeeze between the chairs, and try to leave our row the second time that she did it. I know because she was watching Maria, and after I told her to come back to me, the woman said, "It's ok. She's not bothering me."
At which point I wanted to retort, "Ya, but she's bothering ME."
I kept my mouth shut, managed to get Maria to come back without too much fuss, and sat there seething for a minute. Even though I was annoyed at the woman's comment, and her undermining my parenting, I still let it affect how I handled Maria for the rest of the time there.
The third time she tried to leave the row, I gave up trying to get her back more easily, and just gave her that, "don't even try it" look, which was enough to stop her from squeezing all the way into the next row. She just stood there staring at me, stuck halfway between the chairs. She knew that she was getting away with something, and she knew that I should be trying to stop her. But I didn't say anything. I was too tired of fighting her, and I was afraid that the woman would comment again.
It's tough enough to handle a two-year old without having defend your parenting tactics to everyone who happens along.
3 comments:
Okay I admit it; I'm someone who is very likely to respond the way the person in front of you did. (ducks to avoid a flying shoe) Granted it depends on the circumstances.
It's NOT out of a desire to undermine your own parental authority, but rather an attempt to "I know you don't WANT your child doing this and you're trying to keep her within boundaries you establish, both for her own discipline and to avoid annoying the tar out of everyone else, but in the event that your plan fails, please know that I understand kids will be kids sometimes, and if she is climbing around next to me, it isn't going to bother or annoy me. Please continue to enforce the rules you set, because that's your right and obligation, but be assured that if she does misbehave, I won't turn around and bite your head off asking why you can't control that little demon-child."
Now there's probably a good way of saying that and a not-so-good way, and I'm sure I'm more likely to say it in the not-so-good way. But I think it's important to realize that not everyone who says something bone-headed is truly being a bonehead.
Sorry it my post sounded harsh. I didn't mean to imply that the woman was trying to make me feel bad. I imagine that she was in fact trying to help, by doing exactly as you said, letting me know that she understands that kids act that way sometimes.
What I'm trying to point out in my post is that other people, whether they mean to or not, can undermine parents by making poorly worded comments in front of the children.
I had more problem with her, "it's OK," than the "she's not bothering me." To Maria, hearing "it's OK," means "I can keep doing what I'm doing."
Maybe I'm just oversensitive, but I really think that people need to watch what they say in front of young kids. A lot of people seem to run on the assumption that children don't understand what they're saying or aren't listening to what adults say, when in fact the kids are listening and probably understand a lot more that we give them credit for.
I think you make excellent points.
I especially think this is caused by a lack of practical experience with children. Since families are so small nowadays, even most parents only spend 3-6 years dealing with small children. I hope that larger family sizes in the future will naturall alleviate this problem.
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